Clowning is vulnerability.

I learned a lot about myself as an actor today

- where my massive vulnerabilities lie. For some reason I can get up on stage in front of persons (more than 1) who are not very fond of large emotions and laugh hysterically to the point of sobbing. In and out. Laugh. Sob. Laugh. Sob. And then I can’t stop. But that part was okay. That part felt a little dumb but also relieving and okay.

But clowning. Clowning is terrifying. I’m not talking about actual clowns as being scary but the process of becoming a clown. Using reality and personal weakness to get laughter from a crowd. I WAS humiliated on stage for not trying hard enough - which in turn made the audience laugh because of how angry I was. 

But then came the red noses. And the exaggerations of our fucked up selves. And realizing that these selves were a part of our personalities - that we were playing on our own characteristics made me utterly terrified. I just was thinking to myself ‘i can’t’ and i NEVER think that. So there I am - sitting - terrified. Watching this woman i now know quite well, and have become fond of, turn into a crazy thing. But then realizing how interesting and scary that was. And panicking. Waiting to go on stage. Thinking to myself - I am not funny. And my clown turns out to be this sultry, sexy, bitchy, self-obsessed clown. 

But I was still hiding. And it was clear. Clear. I just couldn’t. And I was pissed at myself. I could cry in front of people. But I couldn’t make a fool of myself for the sake of other’s enjoyment. And that scares me. And other’s could clown so flawlessly but would rather die than cry in front of their peers. It’s just so confusing. 

And then to get confirmation on my actions and intentions from someone who used to know me so well was horrifying - and a bit dumb on my part. But also telling. And confusing.

I’m just confused. 

But otherwise - this weekend was phenomenal. Today was amazing in itself. Just jarring. 

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